A True Confession of Love

We do not feel awe and gratitude because we are commanded to do so; we give expression to our awe and gratitude by acting obediently.

-Calvin

Another school year has come and gone, and in looking back, I can again see God's hand at work, even in this year that was, by far, the second-most difficult I've had in 15 years of teaching. Launching right back into the school year last August and putting Sam in day care, proved to be more than I was ready to handle. Regardless of my good intention and desires, and even with reduced hours, I struggled and suffered daily. I told next to no one about it. And those I did tell only said it was "normal" to feel like I was cheating both my son and my ministry by trying to serve both at once. Knowing that it was "normal" didn't make it any better.

About mid-year, soon after my last blog entry, I suffered a breakdown and was sent home by administration to respite. Most of you who keep tabs on my work here probably did not know this. I am confessing it to you now. It was a very difficult time, indeed. With arrogance, I felt that I had to keep going in ministry (no matter how I cried over my baby each day) because I was the only one available to do what I do at school. I felt the huge weight of two important responsibilities pulling down on me each day, which usually resulted in feeling loathe for the work I love. I felt guilt in thinking about taking time away from ministering to others in order to minister to my own son. And for some reason, I thought and felt that I could, and had to, pull it all together myself.

The complicating factor for me was tied to the fact that I wasn't hating "a job" or "a career" or even just "work," but that I was wrestling with no longer finding joy in serving God. And I didn't know how to look to Him and say, "I know you led me here and have been faithful in providing for us here regardless of many hardships, but I just can't work for You anymore." I felt I had to fulfill a responsibility, not to CAG or the administration, or even the students, but to God Himself. And I never stopped to consider that God is perfectly capable of 1) hearing this confession from me and 2) continuing to provide for CAG with or without me.

It wasn't until just recently (and I mean like REALLY recently...as in, during the time that I have been working on this blog entry), that I have been able to realize; really realize, that God doesn't want us to serve out of obligation or guilt, but out of love...for Him and others. But that is exactly what I was trying to do: serve because I felt guilt in not serving.

Having taken about month-long break from teaching, I did return to my position, with even further reduced hours, and found a balance between serving at home and at school that was workable, if not ideal. And we finished the school year strong: with nearly 100% of students in the literacy program having met their year-end benchmarks! And that, I know, can only be attributed to God's grace and mercy. Clearly, He upheld my students and their needs throughout my difficulties and absence.

Love is not a feeling. It is a choice. And in this time in between school years, I am working at strengthening my commitment to the choice to love and serve. I have to be honest and admit that I am apprehensive about the coming school year, although I have made the choice to return again in August and have even agreed to provide some of the training to incoming staff. But I love God and the people of CAG; and especially my students. And choosing to love them drives me to want to serve them; in an honest way.

If you are inclined to pray for my ministry here, please join me in asking for God to further reveal Himself, so that I may gather strength in desiring to serve Him and in knowing how best to do so.

If you or someone you know is interested in helping support my work here in Guatemala, you can do so through my mission, Commission to Every Nation. Via their website, you can make a one-time donation or a monthly commitment to helping me serve others. All donations are tax deductible and greatly appreciated by both myself and those you help me to serve. If you have specific questions about my ministry or just our lives here, please do not hesitate to contact me at this blog or through email at: slynnll@gmail.com